Called to what

Wouldn't it be nice for God to tell you, precisely, how you've been called? In Jeremiah 1: 4-10, God is pretty clear: Jeremiah has been created to be a prophet and God has promised to script for Jeremiah.

If I were to substitute, "and before you were born I consecrated you: I appointed you a writer, but thought I'd leave it up to you to figure out what to write," I'd be there. I knew, by the time I was 12, I wanted to write--and that's never changed. My educational path, both formal and self-inflicted, has taken me through fiction, nonfiction, short stories, plays, scripts, features, news, even the occasional academic paper.

And, despite all the cautions--'oh, everyone wants to be a writer,' 'writers are a dime-a-dozen'--I've been fortunate enough to make most of my living through writing.

So, I'm not going to quibble. "before I was born, God consecrated me: God appointed me a writer ..."

We're back to what to write. Working for the church has been a satisfying place to use those talents, but I am constantly at my own throat over whether I'm supposed to continue to write (communicate) for the church or whether I'm supposed to write for the secular world. And that depends a lot on what I want (what God wants) me to work towards.

Here's the deal: people who pick up Christian or church writing are most likely already in the Christian church. People who do not have a faith tradition tend to look at Christian writing like it's saccharin. Actually, I tend to avoid Christian writing or anything billed as Christian entertainment like saccharin, too, because it is often too heavy-handed, too sweet, or just too pat.

Not that I plan to write Christian fiction, any time soon. I do not think that is what God has called me to do. Writing feature stories about people actively engaged in the church, doing amazing ministry, standing for justice, loving a neighbor so much they are willing to sacrifice their own comfort, can be very satisfying; sometimes, the story can even inspire someone else.

But it's satisfying at a surface level. It doesn't require much sacrifice on my part, and rarely do I sweat over these stories. They flow, which is a good thing, I learn something, but essentially, when I finish, I am the same person.

That is not the case with fiction. Even disguised as a story, I find myself poured out on paper and I am changed by the act of creation. And because I can't behind someone else and say, "well, this is their story," I have made myself vulnerable to the world--or at least that part of the world that read what I wrote--and that's terrifying. It's so much safer, so much more comfortable hidden behind others' stories. I can shrug off criticism, comments, whatever.

That's not the case, no matter how much I try to believe otherwise, when it's fiction you're writing. Fiction is very personal, no matter how trashy or light, it is. There's no one to hide behind, no one to protect you from the constructive criticism, or the destructive dismissals or the, "Hey, you should write a book about me" opinions.

Reading Jeremiah 1:4-10, reading, "'Do not say, 'I am only a [trashy writer]'; for you shall go to all to whom I send you, and you shall speak whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you," I wonder if I have, indeed, avoiding completing any novel or script for decades because I have not trusted that God has endowed me with words and that even, in the midst of a trashy novel or a screwball comedy, God can speak of justice, of redemption, of love, and of vulnerability.

Yet, at the same time, I do feel called to ordained ministry -- but I'm not sure why, or to what or for what purpose. Certainly, I don't need ordination to write novels or scripts; I do not think work in a pastoral appointment is where I'm being called; am I being called to work within the church by day and be SuperWriter at night? Am I being called to teach about how to write about redemption and justice and love and vulnerability in pop culture terms.

The movie I think of often is "Seven." I despised the movie. It was ugly and it was brutal. What would have saved the movie for me is if Brad Pitt's character had not given in to the worst in human behavior, had not acted out one of the seven deadly sins--Rage--as Keven Spacey's character intended but had instead, even so deeply tempted, so deeply enraged, put down his gun and walked away. That would have redeemed the movie, taken it from being about the worst of human nature to the best that God has created in us.

But I write romances and screwball comedies ... is there redemption or merely escape?